Final Destination 3 (2006)

Reviewed By: JM and Billy

We used to love "Choose Your Own Adventure" books. Remember those? They were awesome -- a mainstay at elementary school bookfairs which featured those huge metal shelves that opened up on door hinges like some sort of mobile bomb shelter. Anyway, in case you're of a younger or older generation than us, in a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book the reader would come to the bottom of a page and get a question like: "If Tommy goes downstairs to find out what made the noise, turn to page 11. If Tommy hides in the closet, go to page 35". If you picked the wrong action, Tommy would die. If you picked the right action, the story continued. Actually, no matter what action you chose, we think the book always ended in exactly the same way. Which brings us to the Final Destination 3 "2 Disc Thrill Ride Edition"...

Clearly the people making cheap third installments to horror movies these days also grew up at rural Indiana book fairs. First we get Urban Legends: Bloody Mary and I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer which, let's face it, should be dumbed-down Scholastic book adaptations if they're not already, and now we've got the third installment in the Final Destination series luring viewers with a "Choose Their Fate" option. This works just like the aforementioned "Adventure" books, right down to the fact that no matter which "fate" you choose, everything ends up at the exact same conclusion.

Please don't think this means we are putting down this special "2 Disc Thrill Ride Edition" (which, by the way, appears to be the only edition available on the market). In fact, we love it. We have always liked all of the Final Destination movies, but this one has moved its way from being a least favorite to our very favorite in the series. That's what happens sometimes at Tower Farm. We keep watching these sequels over and over again...and sometimes, they grow on us. Oh, hell, they always grow on us. Anyway, it's impossible to dislike a movie that shares a lot of the same cast members as Black Christmas and Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. Those are just great movies. Also, this movies improves on its predecessors by removing Ali Larter from its cast. Why is she suddenly a star? Hasn't anyone noticed that she seems to be missing a top lip? It's quite concerning.

Oh, well...so instead of Ali here we get the always-welcome Mary Elizabeth Winstead. This actress is well known for appearing in hits like Live Free Or Die Hard and, of course, Death Proof. Personally, we at Tower Farm only know her because of her fantastic work in the amazing ensemble comedy that is the new Black Christmas. Winstead plays Wendy. Now, we know this will surprise you, but in this movie Wendy has a premonition about a deadly event. After circumventing her own death and the demises of many others, she has to piece together clues to save the survivors as Death comes to collect.

Wait a minute. That's the plot of Final Destination. And Final Destination 2.

Anyway, it is up to Wendy and some guy (who looks a little like a young Tom Cruise after drinking a vat of Olive Oil... which we've read Tom Cruise does in order to keep aliens out of his body. That Katie Holmes is one lucky gal...) to save the gang. Care to guess how successful this dynamic duo turns out to be?

Whatever. Everyone watches these movies for one thing: the over the top deaths.

As you can see, the death scenes deliver. JM is a big fan of the above-pictured weight-machine-head-slam...while Billy is partial to the old nail-gun-through-the-face that some poor girl endures late in the movie. When it comes to nail gun scenes, it's hard to top Color of Night...but this one comes close.

This movie also features JM's favorite actress, Crystal Lowe. You may remember her from... are you ready for this?... Black Christmas and Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. We've also just discovered that she's in the newest Poison Ivy movie. What a resume! Is there anything this young woman can't do? Really, she's exactly what's needed in the horror genre...she'll agree to appear in just about anything and never seems afraid to take her top off. Anyway, Crystal's demise is a perfect example of this whole "Choose Their Fate" scam. At one point in the movie, we're asked to decide what temperature to set a suntanning bed at. If you choose one temp, she is trapped inside the thing and burns. If you choose another, she gets bonked on the head and electrocuted.

Hey, that's not fair! No matter what you do, Crystal Lowe is only in the movie for about 30 minutes!!

But, what the hell, right? This movie is a hell of a lot of fun. It has that cheap digital-video look that every other movie we mentioned in this review has...and we must be getting soft in our old age, because we kind of like it now. We here at Tower Farm are actually glad we missed this one while it was in the theaters, because even though the "Choose Their Fate" gimmick effectively takes the viewer right out of the experience every 20 minutes or so, we wouldn't want to to watch it any other way.

JM gives it Four Fingers.
Billy agrees.

So, there you have it. Eight Fingers.